lesley crewe

author

Ham attack

on April 1, 2010

I am a vegetarian. Bet you didn’t know that about me. Bet you didn’t know vegetarians can be overweight and have weight issues. Bet you didn’t know vegetarians can have all sorts of issues besides the ones that deal with eating cute animals with adorable faces.

I’ve been a vegetarian now for eight months. I love it. I’ve always wanted to be one; flirted with it on and off my whole life. I object to animal factories…..look……I can’t even go there. I can’t discuss it. It upsets me too much. Just know that I’m trying to do my bit to save little creatures. So I’m holier than thou, okay!

Which is why I’m having a meltdown at this very moment.

But I know I’m not PURE. I confess I’ve been eating salmon and shrimp. Their faces aren’t quite so adorable but that has nothing to do with it. I just really needed a breather from chickpeas. And I ALWAYS look away from the lobster tanks at Sobey’s and Superstore. That fact that we do have one feed of lobster a year is a shameful fact that I discuss with my shrink. But I’m getting off topic….

My husband is a man. So needless to say, he eats meat. But he’s the world’s coolest guy because now that he’s retired, he makes his own meals. He doesn’t make me fry cute little pork chops or bake little chickens. He does this himself, while I’m in my chair in front of the tv, wolfing down chickpea salad.

But today, John was running around like a headless chicken….sorry….the imagery starts and I can’t stop…..and so he asked me if I would mind baking a big ham he bought. Would I mind??? Of course I mind! This poor little Wilbur was probably the cutest one in the barn and now he’s dead!

He says he has to make pea soup for his 80 pound, 95 year old mother, to try and fatten her up, now that she is, thank God, in a new nursing home here in Sydney. Well, you’d have to be pretty heartless not to say yes to that, so I say fine, I’ll put it in the oven.

I apologize to the former Wilbur as I put him in a 325 degree oven for four hours.  When I take Wilbur out, he’s all crispy and tender, juicy and moist. I don’t look. I go in the other room and eat my stupid salmon…..the same stupid salmon I’ve been eating for 240 days now.

John waxes poetic about how good Wilbur is as he scurries downstairs to eat his dinner in front of Cornation St. (This retirement gig is really great). I come back into the kitchen to do the dishes. Nine pounds of crispy ham is now sitting on the kitchen counter, with a knife all handy and everything. Now in my former life, I loved ham. I’ve always been told I’m a ham, so ham and I definitely connect spiritually.

I watch myself from somewhere above my head. At first it’s just picking off the crispy outside piece…..really….about the size of a loonie. Well, then there’s another fine looking piece kind of hanging off the side, so that won’t hurt. Now that’s it. THAT’S IT. I’ve had a taste and……

I’VE HAD A TASTE AND IT TASTES FRIGGIN’ GREAT!!!!!!!!

All of a sudden, I’m like a pig at a trough….apologies to pigs everywhere……I can’t stuff it in my face fast enough. OMG this is good. I’ve forgotten how good this is! Wilbur Shmilbur…..who cares! He’s cavorting up there with Charlotte and Templeton in Animal Farm Heaven…..

An odd silence brings me to my senses. I look around still licking my fingers. Our cats, Pip and Neo are at my feet, staring at me like I’ve lost my mind. I can feel their animal eyes judging me. “What the heck do you think you’re doing lady? That’s Wilbur…..a distant cousin on our father’s side.”

Their accusing eyes bring me to my senses. What have I done?? I quickly wrap Wilbur up in tin foil and throw him in the fridge. I run to the bathroom and wash my face and hands and brush my teeth. I quickly come to the computer and look at how many points I’ve just eaten on my Weight Watcher menu guide.  I’m 10 points over for the day!

I’m a bad, bad person. I’m supposed to be living by my principles and it’s shocking how quickly it all went to hell in a handbasket. On top of that my kids are coming home for Easter. Their request? A big turkey dinner and homemade pizza! More cute creatures giving their lives for our holiday fun….although I’m not sure what a pepperoni looks like in real life.

I’m such a pig….but don’t worry…..I love pigs. I love hippo’s too….especially the baby one in the Telus ad……of course I love elephants the best….no, maybe I love otters the best…..or hedgehogs……

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10 responses to “Ham attack

  1. Sarah says:

    Oh Mum, don’t beat yourself up. I’m the biggest animal lover there is but I still eat meat. Remember when I was a vegetarian for a little while? It was because of the lobsters at Sobeys!

    Anyway, you’re better off than most, you are being aware of what you’re putting in your mouth. Most people don’t even consider it. Did you know cheez whiz is grey before they put the colour into it? And it’s made from petroleum jelly?! That’s freakin’ Vaseline!

    If you want to introduce meat back into your diet, then maybe choosing meat from the farmers market is a better way to go. You’d be supporting the local farmers and economy, you’d be getting the best tasting organic food ever, and you’d know that they are grain fed and naturally raised.

    Animals eat meat too! So chop up that pepperoni and make me a pizza!

  2. lesleycrewe says:

    Okey dokey. The pepperoni is dead meat….sniff.

  3. Liz Toole says:

    Oh Lesley, you are so real! I love it!
    I applaud your vegetarian 8 month commitment.
    I can’t help but think that the pig’s soul is laughing all the way home thinking of you eating ham! Too funny.
    I agree with Sarah, if you want to eat meat. It’s OK. You are a woman and with that comes the right to change your mind.
    I also agree that buying meat, dairy and anything else that is derived from an animal should be organic. No growth hormones, etc. You see it’s not the cute little chicken that is the problem. It is how they feed that cute little chicken and how they got him to grow so fast. It is not moral I tell you!
    Have you seen the movie Food Inc? Oh put that on your to do list. Here is the website. http://www.foodincmovie.com/
    Lesley, prepare that turkey and enjoy my dear. Happy Easter to you and your family!

    Liz

  4. Terrilee says:

    Like you, I eat fish, so I am told it is called pescetarianism. I haven’t eaten red meat since 1989. But, I had a dream the other night that I ate some bacon. Maybe there is something in the air.

  5. lesleycrewe says:

    I can’t pronouce that word, let alone spell it!

    What are you when you eat Smarties off a dirty floor? That was my dream the other night. Oy vey.

  6. linda gouthro says:

    ya..loved that story..i enjoy meat way too much to give it up…BUT i do feel guilty each time I eat meat simply…because my 17 year old son is a vegetarian or something like that..he eats no fish either…and i know when i am eating a juicy burger he looks at me like he misses it, however; he hasn’t taken that step in 3plus years.
    It’s ok…cut yourself some slack!! we will not judge you …congrats to you for admitting it! 🙂

  7. Diane says:

    If you eat food off the floor you’re called Talia. She loves food floor, especially old cheerios. Good post Lesley 🙂

  8. lesleycrewe says:

    Where can a girl get a ham sandwich around here? xoxo
    Deb

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