lesley crewe

author

oh brother….

on March 5, 2010

I’ll be 55 this June.  According to Dr. Oz, my body thinks its 85.  I can tell you one thing. If I keep watching television shows that tell me what a friggin’ loser I am, I’m going to jump off the nearest bridge. Won’t my body be happy then? In traction. Or I can keep watching these miserable shows and just lose my mind. That should get rid of about  five pounds right there.

I’m not picking on Dr. Oz. I think he’s a very nice man….skinny bastard. I’ll always be in love with Oprah, because even though she’s a bizillionaire, she can’t lose weight and keep it off either! I think this is the key to her success. She’s NORMAL, like the rest of us. The day she loses all her weight and keeps it off is the day we’ll drop her like a hot potato…a hot potato dripping in butter.

I’m just grumpy today because I had a million things I had to do on this computer, like fix up this blog thing, but I can’t figure it out, and then I went to do this assess copyright thing that takes hours and my computer was down because of freezing rain. So that meant I was free to sit in front of the tv in my pajamas because I have a cold….really.

But after watching four hours of talk shows this afternoon, I wanted to crawl in a hole. Apparently I don’t eat right, I don’t dress right, I can’t decorate, I don’t have enough sex, I can’t cook worth beans, I can’t balance my checkbook and I can’t control my kids.

Why am I still alive? Who wants to associate with me anymore? I’m too ugly for words, have the fashion sense of a bag lady, I live in a pig sty, and I’m a sexless, penniless, worthless mess. That’s way too many esses.

The only thing that’s saving my ass is that I’m turning 55 this June. For the first time in my life, I don’t give a hoot what anyone thinks about me. What a refreshing change! Why did it take me 55 years to figure this out? Why didn’t I know this when I was 11?

I swear, I love Stacey and Clinton, but if they ever come near me, I’m going to bang them over the head with a hot dog, before I run away on my big-ass, wide-load Birkenstocks.

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5 responses to “oh brother….

  1. Mellita says:

    My God Lesley!!! You are a RIOT!!!
    P.S. I Love your blog.

  2. Diana Gallagher says:

    I think you may be watching the wrong shows. Try watching ‘How Clean is your House’ or ‘Hoarders’ or any of the ‘my 15 year old husband has run off with my 18 year old granddaughter’ shows. Those always make me feel like at least I have it together to a greater degree than those people ( not setting the bar too high, I agree, but..).
    The skinny over-sexed fashionistas may look fine but they have all the intellectual heft of the Stay-Puft marshmallow man! Did I say that out loud? You’re right-there must be something about approaching the mid-century mark that drops one’s ‘I give a crap what others think’ meter to zero. Wait until we’re 70 and see what happens!

    • lesleycrewe says:

      oh, I can’t wait to be seventy! And I can’t wait to see you…..I have a feeling we are kindred spirits, Diana….must be from all that smoke we inhaled at the crack of dawn from Grammy and Aunt Betty’s oil stove at the bungalow!

  3. Karen says:

    Just wanted to say your blog made me laugh and so much truth to it as well 🙂 Believe me I can relate:) And I love Oprah too, as I have the same problem, can’t keep that weight off!! And all of those things you mentioned about the talk shows; seems like I can’t do any of those either:) LOL And I’ll help you with the Stacey and Clinton thing 🙂 ha ha
    You have to be able to laugh at the truth right? 🙂
    Really enjoy your books and am looking forward to the next 2 you mentioned as well as many more after that 🙂 When can we expect to see Relative Happiness on the screen ? Can’t wait 🙂
    Take Care
    Karen

    • lesleycrewe says:

      We might be finding out about the movie this April….but even now I’m not holding my breath. Movie making is a very complicated process and I’ll believe it when I see it! I hope it is accepted. I think it’s going to be great….even though I had to kill off some people and add others. That’s showbiz!!

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